Podcast E17: The Superpowers of Vulnerability
In podcast episode E17, "The Superpowers of Vulnerability," Mette Miriam Sloth explores the power and complexity of vulnerability, especially in the relationship between parents and children. She argues that true vulnerability is a superpower that can transform conflicts into deeper connection, but that it requires courage, patience, and a deep understanding of both our own and our children's emotional landscapes.
About this AI Deep Dive: This episode features an AI-generated dialogue based 100% on the original teachings of Mette & Sune Sloth. It transforms our core concepts into an engaging conversation for deeper understanding.
Want to explore further? Visit our AI Knowledge Center to ask questions directly to our books, lectures, and articles in your own language.
-
The Double Nature of Vulnerability:
Mette compares vulnerability to nuclear power: a force with enormous potential for both good and evil. Just as nuclear power can create both energy and destruction, vulnerability can lead to both deep connection and painful rejection.
Abuse of Vulnerability: When vulnerability is abused, it can leave deep wounds. Mette emphasizes that we have all experienced being hurt by others' abuse of our vulnerability.
Protecting Vulnerability: The pain that comes with abusing vulnerability can lead us to shut down and build walls around our hearts. This protects us from further pain, but it also prevents us from experiencing true connection.
Opening Up to Vulnerability: Mette encourages us to be brave and open to vulnerability, but with consideration and awareness of who we share our vulnerability with.
Children's Vulnerability:
Children are naturally vulnerable and dependent on adults to feel safe and loved. Mette explains that children often project their feelings onto their parents because they cannot handle them themselves yet.
The Parent as a Vulnerability Anchor: Parents have a responsibility to create a safe space for children's vulnerability. They must accommodate children's feelings, even when they are difficult, and help them navigate their emotional landscape.
Conflicts as an Opportunity for Growth: Conflicts between parents and children are inevitable, but Mette sees them as an opportunity to strengthen the vulnerability muscle. By learning to repair and restore connection after a conflict, children can develop a healthy approach to vulnerability in future relationships.
Avoiding Moralizing and Control: Mette warns against moralizing about children's feelings or trying to control them. This can lead to the child shutting down their vulnerability and losing trust in their parents.
Patience and Presence: The key to strengthening children's vulnerability is patience and presence. Parents should give children space to express their feelings and time to land in themselves after a conflict.
Restoring Connection After Conflict:
Mette describes a "regulation cycle" where children move through different emotional states after a conflict, from anger to crying to vulnerability.
Anger as a Boundary: Anger is a natural reaction to conflict and can be seen as a boundary that protects the child. It is important to respect the child's anger and allow it to subside.
Crying as a Release: Crying is a sign that the anger is letting go and that the child is opening up to vulnerability. Crying can be painful, but it is a necessary part of the healing process.
Reaching Out in Vulnerability: When the crying has subsided, the child will often seek connection. It is the parents' responsibility to reach out and restore the emotional connection.
Recognizing Authentic Vulnerability: Mette describes different signs of authentic vulnerability: a desire to be close, a smile, a look that seeks contact.
Accommodating the Parents' Own Vulnerability: Parents can also experience vulnerability after a conflict. It is important that they give themselves time to land in themselves before trying to reconnect with the child.
-
Hey everyone and welcome to this deep dive. Uh today we're going to be looking at vulnerability.
Yeah.
And you know I think most people think about vulnerability as a good thing, right?
You know, being open and honest with people,
but the source material that we're going to be talking about today actually presents it as a little bit more of a nuanced uh concept
like a double-edged sword.
Yeah. Yeah.
It can be a really powerful tool for connection and growth,
but it can also be misused and weaponized.
Yeah. And that's what's so interesting about this.
It is.
So, the source material, by the way, is a clip from a Danish podcast.
Yeah, it's a great one.
About relationships and personal growth.
Mhm.
And I think there's a lot that we can learn from it and apply to our own lives.
Definitely. I think so, too.
Um, so yeah. So, let's just dive right in.
Okay.
So, the Danish podcast starts by talking about vulnerability as this idea of emotional exposure.
Yeah. That feeling of opening up and sharing those parts of ourselves that we usually keep hidden, hoping to be met with gentleness and understanding.
Yeah. And I think we've all been there, right?
Oh, absolutely.
Like those moments where you decide to trust someone
and let them see a part of you that maybe you're not so proud of or
Yeah. or that feels really tender,
right? Exactly.
Sensitive.
And sometimes it goes really well.
It does,
right? You feel closer to that person.
You build trust. You feel understood.
But then there are those other times where it's like, ouch.
Yeah. Where it backfires and you end up feeling betrayed or hurt.
Right. And that's where the double-edged sword analogy comes in. Exactly.
Danish podcast talks about how vulnerability can be this incredible force for good.
Yes.
You know, it can strengthen relationships,
deeper intimacy.
It can lead to personal growth,
self-awareness,
all of that.
But they also share some pretty intense examples of how vulnerability can be used against people.
Oh, yeah. They talk about this concept of having your heart joked around with.
Oo, I remember that.
Which I thought was such a powerful way to describe it. Yeah. It's like when you confide in someone
Mhm.
and they take that very sensitive thing that you shared.
Yeah.
And they use it against you in an argument.
Or they make fun of you for it or they gossip about it.
It's like the ultimate betrayal.
It is.
And so you can see how that would make someone want to just
shut down completely. Absolutely.
Yeah. Like build up those walls around their heart.
Yeah. Protect yourself at all costs.
Exactly.
But the podcast warns against that too.
They do.
They say that closing yourself off completely Mhm.
While it might seem like the safest option,
Yeah.
actually comes with its own set of problems,
but you end up blocking out not only the potential for hurt
but also the potential for connection.
Exactly.
And joy and all those good things
and even self-compassion, you know, that ability to accept yourself,
flaws and all.
So, it's like this tricky balancing act.
It is.
How do you stay open without making yourself too vulnerable
to being taken advantage of? Right.
So, the Danish podcast talks about the importance of being really discerning about who you choose to be vulnerable with.
Yeah. They actually caution against oversharing with people who might not be in a place to handle it well. Like maybe they have their own unmet needs
or they haven't developed the capacity for empathy yet.
Yeah. Or maybe they've got some stuff going on in their own lives.
Yeah.
Where they're just not
they're not in a good space.
Yeah. They're not in a good space to hold that for you.
Exactly.
So it's about choosing wisely. who you open up to.
It is.
And also recognizing that not everyone is going to be worthy of that trust.
That's so important.
So, we've talked about the importance of being selective about who we're vulnerable with,
right?
But what about those moments when vulnerability shows up?
Mhm.
Especially in those really important relationships.
Yeah.
Like with our kids.
That's a big one.
Yeah. The Danish podcast talks about this a lot. They do.
And they introduce this concept of the parent as a vulnerability anchor.
I love that term.
Yeah. What do they mean by that?
So, they're basically saying that it's the parents role to help guide their child back to that feeling of connection after a conflict or a meltdown. It's not about suppressing the child's feelings or forcing apologies,
but rather about creating that safe space for them to work through those big emotions and eventually find their way back to a place of emotional equilibrium.
So, it's about being that steady presence.
Yes.
Like a safe harbor in the form.
Exactly.
And you're not necessarily trying to fix the problem immediately,
but you're there to offer support and understanding.
You're the lighthouse guiding them back to shore.
I like that.
And they give this great example,
a personal anecdote about their son getting furious for missing a school event because he was sick.
Oh, yeah. I can see that happening.
Yeah. You know, missing out on something fun because you're stuck at home sick.
The worst.
The worst.
So, what do they do?
Well, you might be surprised by their advice. Okay.
Instead of forcing an apology or trying to reason with him in the heat of the moment.
They suggest giving him space to cool down.
Okay.
They emphasize the importance of letting him experience his anger fully.
And then once things have calmed down a bit,
gently guiding him back to connection.
So it's about waiting for that window of opportunity. Yes. When the child might be more receptive to reconnecting.
Precisely. It's about recognizing when that shift happens.
Okay.
When they're ready to move from that place of anger or hurt back to a place of vulnerability. But how do you know when that is?
Right? Because kids aren't always the best at articulating their feelings,
especially when they're upset.
Especially when they're upset.
Yeah.
So, that's where paying attention to non-verbal cues becomes key.
Okay.
The Danish podcast talks about looking for a shift in the child's emotional and physical state.
So, it's not just about what they're saying.
Yeah.
It's about how they're holding their body,
their facial expressions, their tone of voice.
So, you're kind of like an emotional detective.
You are
looking for those subtle signs that they're softening. Right.
Maybe becoming more open to touch,
maybe even a renewed desire for closeness.
Okay.
They even mention noticing a lightness and ease in the child's presence.
Interesting.
A sense that they're no longer carrying the weight of that anger or hurt.
So, we're tuning into those cues.
Yes.
Looking for signs that the child's ready to reconnect.
Exactly.
But what happens when even after some time has passed,
they seem stuck in that place of withdrawal?
Oh, yeah.
Like they've retreated into their room. and shut down completely.
It happens.
The Danish podcast addresses this, too.
They do. And they highlight how certain parental behaviors, while often well-intentioned,
okay,
can actually contribute to the child's withdrawal.
Interesting.
They talk about how things like demanding explanations, forcing apologies, or responding with emotional coldness, okay, can make the child feel less safe expressing their vulnerability.
It's like we're inadvertently reinforcing the idea that it's not okay to full open up,
right,
to be seen with all their messy emotions.
Exactly.
So, the podcast encourages parents to take a step back.
Yeah.
And examine their own reactions.
They suggest that sometimes the most helpful thing we can do
Yeah.
is shift our focus
from trying to control the child's response,
okay,
to adjusting our own behavior.
So, instead of trying to force a certain outcome,
we focus on creating a space where the child feels safe enough to come to us when they're ready.
Like that. And the podcast emphasizes that this requires patience. Yeah.
Because the child might test the waters a bit.
Okay.
Push back even harder as they try to gauge whether it's truly safe to open up again.
So there might be some bumps in the road. Absolutely.
As that trust is rebuilt.
But they emphasize that our consistency, okay,
our willingness to stay present and emotionally regulated even when the child is testing our limits
is what ultimately builds that foundation of safety and trust.
So it sounds like a lot of inner work is involved in becoming that vulnerb. ility anchor.
It definitely is. And a key takeaway from the Danish podcast is the importance of self-awareness.
It's about paying attention to your own triggers.
Yeah.
Those things that tend to set you off emotionally,
right? Because if you're not aware of what pushes your buttons,
yeah,
it's hard to stay calm and present when things get heated.
Exactly. And that's where recognizing your patterns of reactivity comes in.
Do you tend to shut down, get defensive,
lash out?
The more you understand your own tendencies, the better you can manage those reactions.
So, it's like building that emotional muscle.
Yeah.
That ability to regulate yourself even in challenging situations.
Precisely. And it takes practice.
Yeah.
But the more you work on it, the more you'll be able to create that safe space for others to be vulnerable with you.
And a big part of that, according to the podcast, is self-compassion.
Yes. It's about recognizing that we're all works in progress.
That we're going to mess up sometimes, and that's okay. We need to offer ourselves that same kindness and understanding that we would offer a loved one who is struggling
because we're all doing the best we can with the tools we have at any given moment.
Exactly. And that self-compassion allows us to be more forgiving of ourselves, which in turn makes it easier to be more accepting of others flaws and all.
I love this idea that vulnerability isn't just about weakness or fragility. It's actually about strength.
Yes.
About showing up with our whole hearts even when it's scary.
It really is. And the Danish podcast emphasizes that by embracing vulnerability, yeah, we not only strengthen our own inner resilience, but also become more capable of navigating conflict in a healthy way.
So, it's about transforming those moments of potential disconnection into opportunities for deeper understanding and growth.
Beautifully put.
So, we've been talking about vulnerability in our personal lives, you know, with our families and friends.
But what about at work?
Oh, that's a good one.
You know, because it seems like there's this pressure to always be confident. incompetent,
right? You got to have it all together.
Exactly. And showing any kind of vulnerability
Yeah.
feels risky.
It does. It feels like it could make you look weak or incompetent,
right? Exactly.
You don't know what you're doing
and nobody wants that.
No. Especially in a competitive work environment.
But what's interesting is that the Danish podcast actually argues that expressing vulnerability at work,
okay,
can make you a more effective leader.
Really?
Yeah. And a more valuable team member.
Interesting. How do they explain that.
Well, they say it's not about oversharing personal details or constantly seeking validation from your colleagues.
You're right.
It's more about being willing to acknowledge your limitations.
Okay.
To ask for help when you need it
and to admit when you've made a mistake.
So, it's about being real,
about letting go of that need to always appear perfect.
Exactly.
In control.
And they say that this kind of authenticity can actually create a more open and collaborative work environment
because when leaders are willing to show vulnerability,
it gives others permission to do the same.
So, it creates this ripple effect.
It does
where the leader's vulnerability sets the tone for the whole team.
Exactly. And they share some great examples of how this can play out.
Like what?
Well, imagine a manager who's leading a team through a really tough project.
Okay?
Instead of pretending they have all the answers, they admit that they're feeling overwhelmed
and ask for input from their team. That's a good idea.
It is. It shows that you trust and value their expertise,
right? And it creates that sense of shared responsibility.
Yeah. Everyone's in it together
and they're more likely to come up with creative solutions.
Exactly. Because they feel like their voices are being heard
and their contributions are valued.
Right. And it all goes back to that human need for connection.
Even at work.
Even at work, we want to feel seen and understood.
Yeah. We want to feel like we're part of something bigger than ourselves.
Exactly. And vulnerability can be a powerful way to create those connections.
So, it's about recognizing that we're all human.
We are.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
And it's okay to ask for help.
Exactly.
When we need it.
But the podcast also talks about the importance of setting boundaries when it comes to vulnerability at work.
Yeah. That's important too
because even though it can be beneficial to create a culture of openness,
you also want to maintain a sense of professionalism,
right? You don't want to overshare.
Exactly.
Or make people uncomfortable.
So, how do you find that balance?
Well, they suggest asking a simple question.
Okay.
Is sharing this particular vulnerability
going to help me connect with my colleagues in a meaningful way?
Okay.
Or is it more about seeking emotional support that would be better suited for a different setting?
So, it's about being mindful of the context.
Exactly. And they say this is especially important when it comes to navigating power dynamics,
right? Because there's a big difference between being vulnerable with a peer
Yeah. and being vulnerable with your boss.
Huge difference. The power differential can make things tricky.
So in those situations, it's probably best to air on the side of caution.
I would,
you know, share vulnerability gradually as trust is built,
right? Pay attention to those subtle cues
to see how the other person is responding.
And they also talk about the importance of reciprocating vulnerability.
Yes, that's so important
because it can't just be a one-way street.
No, it has to be mutual,
right?
So if someone shares something vulnerable, with you.
Yeah.
And it feels appropriate,
consider sharing something vulnerable back.
So, it creates that sense of trust and equality.
Exactly.
Okay. So, we've talked about being selective about who we're vulnerable with and setting boundaries.
But the podcast also talks about recognizing authentic vulnerability.
Yes. Because not all vulnerability is created equal,
right? Just like in our personal lives,
we might encounter people at work who try to use vulnerability as a manipulation tactic.
Oh. Yeah, you see that all the time.
Or who try to appear more vulnerable than they actually are to gain sympathy or advantage,
right? So, how can you tell the difference?
Well, podcast suggests paying attention to a few things. First, is there a sense of accountability?
Mhm.
Are they willing to take ownership of their mistakes and work towards solutions?
Okay.
Or are they mostly focused on blaming others?
Yeah. Or playing the victim.
Exactly.
So, are they taking responsibility or are they avoiding it?
Exact. That's a good way to look at it.
And they also say to pay attention to whether the person's vulnerability seems to be a pattern
like they're always sharing personal problems.
Yeah. Or always seeking emotional support
even when it's not really appropriate. Right.
So is their vulnerability genuine
or is it a strategy?
And if you have concerns,
they say it's important to address them
directly.
Okay.
But respectfully,
right? You can say something like,
"Yeah,
I hear that you're going through a lot right now and I want to be supportive. but I'm not sure this is the right time or place to talk about this.
So, you're setting a boundary.
Yeah.
While still acknowledging their feelings.
Exactly. It's about finding that balance.
Okay. So, we've covered a lot of ground here.
We have
talking about vulnerability in our personal lives at work
and within ourselves,
right? But the Danish podcast also talks about how we can rebuild vulnerability after it's been damaged.
That's a tough one.
It is. You know those times when trust has been broken?
Mhm.
Or When someone has misused our openness,
it happens.
Yeah. And they emphasize that this is a process.
It is.
It takes time and patience.
It's not a quick fix.
No, it's like mending a torn piece of fabric.
I like that analogy.
It takes time and care to repair the damage
and delicate stitching, right?
So, what's the first step?
Well, they say the first step is acknowledging the hurt that has been caused.
Okay.
Both people need to feel heard and understood
before any real healing can take place.
So, you need to create a space for open and honest communication.
Yeah. Even if it's uncomfortable.
And they suggest that might in involve apologizing.
Yay.
Expressing remorse,
showing a willingness to make amends.
Exactly. But they also caution against rushing the process. Don't expect the other person to just forgive and forget immediately.
Yeah. Because rebuilding trust takes time.
It does. They say actions speak louder than words.
Mhm.
So, you need to demonstrate through your behavior behavior that you're truly committed to earning back that trust.
So, showing up consistently, being reliable,
right?
Following through on your commitments.
Exactly. And they suggest that might involve being more transparent in your communication.
Okay.
Being more accountable for your actions, being more mindful of how your words and actions impact the other person.
So, it's about rebuilding that sense of safety and security.
Yes. Showing the other person that you can be trusted
with their vulnerability.
Exactly. And they emphasize is that this rebuilding process can actually be an opportunity to strengthen the relationship.
Really?
Yeah. To create an even deeper level of trust and intimacy than before.
It's like that Japanese art of Kinugi.
Oh, I love that.
Where they repair broken pottery with gold.
Mhm.
So the cracks become part of the beauty.
It's a beautiful metaphor.
Yeah. It's that those cracks and imperfections are not something to be ashamed of,
right?
They're part of what makes us unique
and resilient.
Exactly.
It's amazing. to think about how much power there is in vulnerability. It
really is.
You know, when we think about this idea of like personal growth and development and self-improvement.
Yeah.
I feel like there's so much emphasis on
on strength.
Yeah. Like being strong and independent,
having it all together.
Right. Exactly.
Never showing weakness.
But what we're learning from this Danish podcast
is that vulnerability is actually where the real strength lies.
Yeah. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable.
It does to let go. of that need to always appear perfect and in control.
And it's interesting how they tied this back to the analogy of atomic energy.
Oh, right.
Like atomic energy vulnerability can be a powerful force for both good and bad.
So, it's about learning to use it wisely.
Exactly. With awareness and intention.
And a big part of that self-awareness. Right.
Absolutely. You need to understand your own triggers, your patterns of reactivity, your capacity for emotional regulation
because if you're not aware of those things
your more likely to react in ways that you later regret.
Exactly. Like lashing out or shutting down.
Yeah. Or getting defensive.
So, it's about developing that emotional muscle.
Yeah. That ability to pause,
take a breath,
and choose a more conscious response
even when you're feeling triggered,
right?
It takes practice.
It does. But it's so worth it.
It is because it gives you that freedom to respond rather than just react.
And they talk about self-compassion as being a big part of this, too.
Absolutely.
Because we're all human.
We all make mistakes
and we all have those moments where our emotions get the best of us.
Exactly.
So, it's about being kind to yourself in those moments,
right? Offering yourself the same grace and forgiveness that you would offer to a loved one
because beating yourself up
Yeah.
is only going to make things worse.
It's like that saying,
what is it?
You can be your own worst enemy.
Yeah.
So true.
And they make this point that self-compassion actually makes it easier to be vulnerable with others. I can see that,
you know, because when you're not so afraid of messing up
or being judged,
Yeah.
you're more likely to take those risks,
right? You're more willing to put yourself out there.
Exactly.
Even if it means potentially getting hurt.
So, it's like self-compassion creates this foundation of safety
that allows you to then extend that safety to others.
Beautiful.
Okay. So, we've talked about self-awareness and self-compassion, right,
as being really important for navigating vulnerability. But they also talk about the importance of recognizing authentic vulnerability in others.
Yeah. Because as we've mentioned before, not all expressions of vulnerability are created equal.
Exactly.
Some people might try to use vulnerability as a way to manipulate or control others
or to get attention or sympathy.
Right. So it's important to be able to tell the difference
between genuine vulnerability
and what they call strategic vulnerability.
Okay. So how can you tell the difference?
Well, they suggest looking for a few key things.
Okay,
first is there a sense of accountability?
Is the person willing to take responsibility for their actions?
Okay,
or are they mostly focused on blaming others
or playing the victim?
Right.
So, are they using their vulnerability to step up
or to avoid taking responsibility?
Exactly.
Is a good distinction.
And they also suggest paying attention to patterns
like if someone is constantly sharing personal problems or seeking emotional support,
even when it's not really appropriate, it might be a sign that they're using vulnerability as a strategy.
Yeah. If you have concerns about that,
they say it's okay to set boundaries,
right? You can say something like,
"Yeah,
I hear that you're going through a tough time and I want to support you."
Mhm.
But I'm not sure this is the right context for this conversation. Exactly.
You're not dismissing their feelings,
but you're also protecting your own boundaries.
Okay. So, to wrap up this deep dive,
Yeah.
it seems like vulnerability is this incredibly powerful force.
It is
that can either make or break our relationships
and our own well-being.
Exactly.
So, it's about learning to approach it with awareness.
Yeah.
Intention and compassion.
And recognizing that it's a journey.
It is.
Not a destination.
And we're all in it together.
So true. Well, that's it for this deep dive.
Yeah.
I hope you learned something.
Me, too.
And I hope you'll join us next time.
See you then.
