Podcast E16: Regulating Intense Emotions
In podcast episode E16, "Regulating Intense Emotions," Mette Miriam Sloth explores the challenges we all face when we experience intense emotional states. She focuses on how we can navigate these states without being overwhelmed by them or shutting down, and emphasizes the importance of developing "emotional hygiene" that can help us manage life's ups and downs.
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Understanding Emotional States:
Mette Miriam Sloth emphasizes that none of us see the world objectively. Our emotions act as filters that color our perception of reality.
Emotions as a Filter: When we are in love, we see the world through a positive filter. When we are angry or sad, we see the world through a negative filter. This subjective experience can lead to self-reinforcing loops where our emotions confirm our negative perception of the world, and vice versa.
The Nervous System and Emotions: Mette Miriam Sloth explains that our emotional responses are part of our nature as mammals. Our nervous system reacts to stimuli and creates emotional states that can be overwhelming.
Acceptance of All Emotions: She warns against trying to suppress "negative" emotions such as anger and hatred. These emotions are just as important as "positive" emotions and have a function in our lives.
Emotions in Motion: Mette Miriam Sloth points out that emotions are energy in motion. To try to maintain positive emotions or avoid negative emotions is to work against the natural flow of emotions.
Developing Emotional Hygiene:
Mette Miriam Sloth presents a number of strategies for developing "emotional hygiene" that can help us deal with intense emotional states.
Window of Tolerance: She introduces the concept of the "window of tolerance," which describes our capacity to accommodate intense emotions. Expanding our window of tolerance is a gradual process that requires patience and practice.
Meeting the Emotions in the Body: Mette Miriam Sloth encourages us to turn our attention inward and feel the emotions in the body. By identifying where the emotion sits in the body and breathing through it, we can give it space to move and release itself.
Letting Go of the Thoughts: When we experience intense emotions, our thoughts tend to go round and round and reinforce the negative experience. By shifting our focus from the thoughts to the body, we can break the vicious cycle.
Expressing the Emotions: Mette Miriam Sloth emphasizes that it can be helpful to give the emotions a physical outlet. Yelling, screaming, banging on something, or moving the body can help release the pent-up energy.
Observing the Emotions: As we express our emotions, it is important to have a part of ourselves that observes the process. This inner observer creates distance from the emotions and helps us maintain control.
Communicating the Emotions: In relationships, it can be helpful to communicate our feelings to our partner or other close people. By sharing our vulnerability, we can create deeper understanding and support each other in dealing with difficult emotions.
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Hey everyone and welcome to the deep dive. We're your AI hosts uh guiding you through all sorts of fascinating topics and uh well this deep dive is actually a special request. Oh yeah. From Mette Miriam Sloth and Sune Sloth.
I know them. Creators of the Magdalene Effect podcast.
That's right. They reached out because they wanted to share their work on regulating intense emotions with a wider audience.
Makes sense. Such an important topic and I know they've got some really powerful insights to share.
Absolutely. So we're diving into their finish episode number 16.
Oh, wow. So, are we translating or?
Well, actually, you can find an English transcript on our website, magnol.org, if you want to check it out.
Oh, cool. So, we're kind of like a companion piece then.
Yeah, exactly. We'll be highlighting some of the key takeaways and exploring their ideas in more depth.
Awesome. I'm excited to dig in.
Me, too. So, Mate and Sunune start by talking about how we often think we're seeing the world objectively, but in reality, we're looking through the lens of our emotions.
Oh, that's so true. Like, uh, Have you ever noticed how when you buy a new car, suddenly you see that same car everywhere?
Uh-huh. Yeah. It's like they magically multiplied overnight.
But really, it's just that our brains are filtering information based on what's relevant to us at the moment.
So, if you're feeling anxious, for example, you might notice more potential threats in your environment.
Yeah. Even if they're not actually there, our emotions kind of create this uh this filter that shapes our perception.
So, it's not about being right or wrong in our perceptions. It's It's more about understanding that our emotional state is like wearing a pair of colored glasses.
Exactly. And recognizing that is a huge first step towards regulating our emotions.
Now, they also introduced this idea of the inner witness, which I thought was really intriguing.
Oh, yeah. That's about cultivating this ability to observe your emotions without judgment.
Instead of saying, "I am angry," you might say, "I am experiencing anger."
Yeah. That subtle shift can make a big difference. It creates some space between you and the emotion
so you're not completely swept away by it. Exactly. You become more of an observer of your own internal experience.
And they made this really important point that all emotions, even the ones we label as negative, serve a purpose.
Oh, absolutely. Like anger, for example. It can be a powerful motivator for change, for setting boundaries,
even for fighting injustice.
Right. So instead of trying to suppress those uncomfortable feelings, we should try to understand what they're trying to tell us.
They're like messengers giving us valuable information.
Exactly. They might be alerting you to a need that's not being met or a boundary that's been crossed.
I love how Metate and Soon use the analogy of the eb and flow of the tide to describe how we shouldn't get fixated on either clinging to positive emotions or desperately trying to escape negative ones.
Ah, such a beautiful image. It reminds us that emotions are meant to flow.
Trying to hold on to a feeling or push it away, it just disrupts that natural flow.
Like trying to dam a river. Eventually, the pressure builds and something's got to give.
So, we need to learn to ride the waves of our emotions. is allowing them to come and go without getting stuck in the extremes.
Acceptance rather than resistance is key. And that leads us to this really crucial concept. They discussed the window of tolerance.
Okay, that sounds interesting. What exactly is the window of tolerance?
So, think of it as your capacity to handle difficult emotions without becoming completely overwhelmed.
Like a window that represents how much you can handle.
Exactly. Some people have a narrow window, meaning they quickly feel overwhelmed by tense emotions,
while others have a wider window, allowing them to navigate those emotions with more ease.
Right? So, someone with a narrow window might feel like they're constantly on edge, easily triggered, and quick to react,
while someone with a wider window can stay more grounded and present even when facing challenging situations.
Exactly. And the goal is to gradually expand our window of tolerance so we can handle life's ups and downs without feeling completely derailed.
Makes sense. But how do we actually do that?
Well, Mate and Soon suggest focusing on the physical sensations of our emotions rather than getting caught up in the mental stories we often create around them.
So instead of saying, "Oh no, I'm feeling anxious again." I should try to notice where that anxiety is showing up in my body.
Yeah. Maybe it's a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or racing heart.
By tuning into those physical sensations, we can acknowledge the emotion without letting the mental chatter amplify it.
And they also talked about using the breath to help regulate those intense emotions.
Oh yes, the breath. Such a powerful tool.
It really is. is by consciously breathing into those sensations, we can signal to our nervous system that it's safe to relax,
which helps to calm that fight orflight response.
Exactly. It's like hitting the pause button on that whole cascade of stress hormones.
This all sounds incredibly helpful, but I imagine it takes practice to master these techniques.
It does. And Mate and soon really emphasize self-compassion.
It's a journey, not a quick fix,
right? There will be times when you feel like you're taking two steps forward and one step back and that's okay.
So, it's about being gentle with ourselves and knowledging that this is a process.
Absolutely. And remember, you don't have to do it alone. Seeking support from a therapist, a coach, or a trusted friend can make a world of difference.
That's so important. We don't have to go it alone.
Not at all. There's strength and vulnerability and reaching out for help when we need it.
Well, this has already been so insightful and we're just getting started.
I know, right? Metate and Soon have so much wisdom to share.
So much. We'll be back in the next part to explore more of their insights on relationships, conflict resolution, and that fascinating cycle of death and rebirth.
Can't wait. I have a feeling this is going to be a transformative deep dive.
Too buckle up, everyone. It's going to be a wild ride.
Now, where were we?
We were talking about the power of the breath and self-compassion and navigating those intense emotions.
Right. Right. And how we don't have to do it alone.
Exactly. Reaching out for support can make a world of difference.
Speaking of support, Metate and Soon also talked about how these personal emotional patterns often play out in our relationships,
especially with our partners.
Yeah, it's like our own individual stuff gets all mixed up in the dynamic.
Definitely. What insights did they offer about navigating those relationship dynamics?
Well, they talked about this concept of polarity, especially regarding boundaries and emotional expression.
Polarity like magnets
kind of. It's like a dance between opposing forces and sometimes couples get stuck in these rigid patterns that create tension.
Oo, I can see that happening. Can you give an example of what that might look like? in a real relationship.
Okay. So, imagine one partner who's super rigid with boundaries, like a fortress almost.
Okay.
And the other partner is overly accommodating, always bending over backwards to please.
So, neither one is fully expressing their true needs.
Exactly. And that imbalance creates friction.
It's not about one person being right and the other wrong. It's more about recognizing those patterns and finding a way to create more balance.
Precisely. And it often takes one partner consciously shifting their approach to create space for the other to do the same.
So, if the fortress partner starts expressing their needs more vulnerably, it might allow the accommodating partner to finally set some healthy boundaries,
right? It's like a domino effect.
They also touched on this idea of sexual polarity in long-term relationships.
Ah, yes, that's a juicy one.
It is. It's not a topic that gets a lot of airtime, though.
No, it doesn't. But it's so important. Mate and Soon pointed out that Sometimes couples can become so focused on friendship and emotional intimacy that they lose that spark of sexual desire.
Like they become best friends but the romantic tension has faded.
Exactly. They suggested exploring the work of David Jeda who goes really deep into the nuances of masculine and feminine energies in relationships.
So it's not about conforming to traditional gender roles but rather about recognizing and appreciating the unique energies that each partner brings to the relationship.
Yeah. It's about that interplay that pole that keeps the spark alive
like a dance where both partners are in sync leading and following.
Exactly. Creating a dynamic that feels exciting and alive.
I love that. Now, Mete and Sunoon also had some really interesting things to say about navigating conflict in relationships.
Oh, yeah. Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, right?
For sure. What were some of their key takeaways there?
Well, they emphasized the importance of self-regulation first and foremost,
like taking a time out before things escalate.
Exactly. When you're in the heat of the moment, flooded with anger or frustration, it's almost impossible to have a productive conversation.
It's like trying to have a rational discussion while riding a roller coaster.
Uh-huh. Yeah. You're just hanging on for dear life and everything feels out of control.
So, the first step is to recognize when you're getting hooked by those intense emotions and take some time to cool down.
Exactly. Whether it's a few deep breaths, a walk around the block, or simply stepping away from this situation for a bit,
give space to come back to center.
And this is where that inner witness comes in handy, right?
To help us observe the situation without getting totally consumed by it.
Yeah. Instead of pointing fingers or trying to prove who's right, you can see the bigger picture and approach the conflict with more understanding and compassion.
Moving from that me versus you mentality to a we're in this together approach.
Precisely. Seeking a solution that works for both partners.
There requires a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to really fully listen to your partner even when it's hard.
It does, but it's so worth it.
Did they talk about any other patterns that we tend to bring into our relationships?
Oh, yeah. They brought up this fascinating idea that we often attract partners who mirror back to us our own unresolved issues.
Wo, that's deep.
It is. For example, if you have a deep fear of abandonment, you might unconsciously choose partners who are emotionally unavailable.
So, it's like we're subconsciously seeking out experiences that will confirm our deepest fears, even if those experiences cause us pain. It can feel that way. Yes. But here's the thing. Even though it's painful, it can also be an incredible opportunity for growth.
Yes.
Because it's forcing you to confront those fears head on. By working through those patterns, you have the chance to heal old wounds and create healthier relationship dynamics.
So, it's like the universe is presenting us with a chance to finally rewrite those old scripts that have been holding us back.
Exactly. It's a powerful opportunity, but it takes courage, self-awareness, and often the support of a therapist or coach. to guide us through that process.
We don't have to do it alone.
We don't. There's so much support available.
This whole concept of recognizing and breaking free from those unhealthy patterns feels very much connected to the cycle of death and rebirth that Metun talked about.
You're so right. It's about letting go of old ways of being, beliefs, and even relationships that no longer serve us
to create space for something new and healthier to emerge.
Exactly. But that can be a scary process, right?
It can change. can feel really threatening even if we know it's for the best.
It's natural to resist change. We cling to what's familiar because it feels safe even if it's causing us pain.
But Mete and Soon seem to be saying that resisting change only creates more suffering in the long run.
It does. It's like trying to hold on to a handful of sand. The tighter you squeeze, the more slips through your fingers.
Surrender is key.
Surrender to the flow of life. Trusting that something beautiful can emerge from the ashes of what we've let go. That's powerful image.
It is. It's a process of letting go, accepting what is and opening ourselves up to new possibilities.
And they emphasize that it's a journey, not a destination. There will be ups and downs, moments of resistance, and moments of surrender.
Absolutely. It's not a linear process.
Did they offer any advice for navigating those inevitable challenges?
They stress the importance of self-compassion,
treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer a loved one.
Exactly. We can be so hard on ourselves, especially when we're struggling.
It's true.
They also highlighted the role of the inner witness during times of transition
to help us observe those challenging emotions and thoughts without getting swept away by
Yeah. It's like having that wise, compassionate friend who sits with you in the midst of the storm, offering a sense of calm and perspective.
That's beautiful. Now, another topic that really stood out to me was their discussion about working with aggression constructively.
Ooh, yeah. Aggression. That's a big one.
It feels like a really challenging emotion to embrace.
It does. Right. It has such a negative connotation.
We're often taught to suppress or deny those feelings.
But Matan soon suggested that while uncontrolled aggression can be destructive, it can also be a powerful force for positive change.
So it's not about denying our anger, it's about learning to channel it in a healthy way.
Exactly. Like instead of exploding at someone, we might use that energy to have a calm but assertive conversation about our needs.
Or we might channel that energy into creative pursuits, physical activity, or other outlets that allow us to to express ourselves in a healthy way.
And they really emphasize the importance of recognizing the root cause of our anger.
Asking ourselves what need is not being met, what boundary has been crossed, what past experience might be triggering this reaction.
Exactly. Once you understand the source of your anger, you can begin to address it in a more constructive way.
And they talked about forgiveness too, both of ourselves and others.
Such an important piece.
Holding on to anger and resentment only creates more suffering. It keeps us stuck in the past.
Forgiveness is about freeing ourselves from that burden.
It's not about condoning hurtful behavior. It's about choosing to release the grip that those negative emotions have on us
so we can move forward with a lighter heart.
Wow. This is a lot to digest.
I know, right? This whole conversation about emotional regulation feels like a lifelong journey, wouldn't you say?
Absolutely. But it's a journey worth taking
because ultimately it's about creating a life where we feel more empowered. more connected and more capable of experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions.
Exactly. It's about living a richer, more meaningful life.
This deep dive has been incredibly eye opening and I'm already starting to think about how I can apply these insights to my own life.
Me, too. It's inspiring, isn't it?
It is. It's like whole new world of possibilities has opened up.
So much to think about. It's like we're being invited to step into a more expansive version of ourselves,
embracing both the light and the shadow. Exactly. And Medins soon left us with this really powerful question to ponder. What are the emotions that you tend to avoid?
Ooh, that's a good one. We all have those go-to defenses, right?
We do. The emotions we try to outrun or bury.
But why is it so important to actually face them?
Because those avoided emotions hold valuable information. You know, they might be pointing to unmet needs, limiting beliefs, or past wounds that are still impacting us today.
So, by avoiding them, we're actually missing out on an opportunity to heal. and grow.
It's like closing off an entire wing of our emotional house because we're afraid of what we might find there.
And as we expand our window of tolerance, we gain the capacity to sit with those uncomfortable feelings.
I'll listen to their messages and integrate them into our experience,
which all ties back to self-compassion. Right.
Absolutely. We don't have to judge ourselves for feeling those emotions.
We can acknowledge them, offer ourselves kindness, and seek support when we need it.
Mate and Sunn really emphasize that we're not alone in this journey.
We all experience the full spectrum of emotions.
There's no shame in reaching out for help.
It's like we're all in this big messy beautiful human experience together.
Figuring it out as we go.
And sometimes we need a little guidance and support from others who've been down a similar path.
For sure.
Of course, Mate and Soon's podcast, The Magdalene Effect, is a fantastic resource.
Oh, definitely.
You can find an English transcript of the episode we discussed today on their website, magdaleneffect.org.
It's definitely worth checking out.
I agree. They offer such a unique and insightful perspective on emotional regulation and personal transformation.
Well said.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling incredibly energized after this deep dive.
Me, too. It's like the whole new world of possibilities has opened up.
It's a reminder that we have so much more power and agency over our emotional experience than we often realize.
And that by embracing those emotions, even the challenging ones, we can unlock incredible potential for growth, healing, and connection.
Beautifully said. So to all of you listening, we encourage you to take some time to reflect on your own emotional landscape.
Yeah. What emotions are you avoiding? Where might you benefit from expanding your window of tolerance?
And remember, this isn't a race. It's a journey. Be gentle with yourself.
Seek support when needed and celebrate every step you take towards greater self-awareness and emotional resilience.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Thanks for joining us on the deep dive. We'll see you next time.
